THE MOST WONDERFUL TIME OF THE YEAR! Not for everyone. Holiday Hacks for creating less stress, and more peace in your relationships and other Christmas activities

Ahhhhh, the holidays, time of great cheer and joy for all!! Except when it isn’t. And to be blunt, all the hype, Hallmark movies, and merriment seem to taunt our souls with an extra burden of heaviness. We now have another comparative marker that shouts “you’re not good enough” at least that’s how I’ve felt over some holiday seasons in my life. When my world was anything but “peace on earth”, “marshmallow world” or “vision of sugar plums” dancing in my head.

Instead, it was grief, overwhelm, even despair that was dancing in my head. Have you been there too? And you try, you really do. To smile, be cheerful, be part of the festivities but all you really want is to go home, wash the glitter off your face and throw off that sparkly outfit with the high heels, that hurt your feet as much as your heart, and hide under your heavy blankets until it’s all over. Then the effort of pretending won’t seem like such an inconvenient task.

So, what can we do to help ourselves through this “most wonderful time of the year” when we are not feeling so wonderful? There are some effective, scriptural and science backed ways to not just get through it, but to also have peace and joy.

First, it should go without having to say, but I’ll say it hear because if you’re like me you need reminders that our first response to adversity should be to bring it to God in prayer. Here God always promises to meet us, exactly where we are. No need for sugar plum fairy coating, God doesn’t need our niceties, he wants our authentic selves. Our shattered hearts. Our deep hurt. Our anger. He can take it. Nothing is too much for our great God. We must believe that his arms are always open to receive us, not matter the circumstances. Like the prodigal son, as soon as we recognize our need for God, he runs towards us, willingly welcoming us! “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving, let your requests be known to God, and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:6-7

With this in mind, and in heart, because honestly if we are to follow Jesus’s way and truly live our lives surrendered to God’s will, then we must act accordingly. Yet, in our humanness it really is difficult to agree with some of the commands because they feel so counter cultural or unfair. So, I’m supposed to not be anxious about that one uncle that just gets under my skin and knowingly provokes arguments because he knows exactly how to push my buttons (side bar, anyone who gets away with pushing our buttons is because they installed them and we let them get the better of us)!? The answer, you’ll be happy to know, is NO, no they are not allowed to “get away” with anything that is mean spirited or abusive, emotionally or physically. What do we do in all situations with difficult people who challenge us especially with sensitive subjects? Relational tension accounts for 22% of our holiday stress according to the Harris Poll, November 2023.

How can we manage relational stress? A few solid, but perhaps uncomfortable for those who are conflict adverse, you must be clearly communicate your desires and intentions. Just because something might rub someone the wrong way or cause you to have to explain yourself doesn’t mean it shouldn’t be said. The most effective way to let people know that you are not in agreement with them on an issue or that you would not like to be asked a personal, and intrusive question like: when are you getting married, going to move out, get a better job, have a kid, etc. is to let it be known you don’t want to discuss these personal matters. Or even prickly topics like politics and religion, sometimes money is in this category too. You must let people know. Preferably before your get together with the group. It might require you to call the host and let them know what you’re going through or if you have special requests regarding conversation topics, food sensitivities, or protocols. If you are hosting put the OOB (out of bounds) items on the invitation with a brief, not breaking any confidences, explanation. It could go something like this “please note that this Christmas we’re going to have fun, play games, eat a delicious meal, and be merry ~ so let’s keep the touchy topics like politics, religion, and relationship status off the table” or kindly speak to that one person separately, they may not be too receptive but when asked not to speak about it and they do then make sure you have a consequence already established like: switching the topic, asking them if they “really just asked you that?”, remaining silent and just stare, or walk away from the conversation.

The other, probably more important change we can make is within ourselves, to keep the peace, not be a doormat or let anyone take advantage of you, but to calmly decide to not allow their pettiness, ridicule, or inappropriate behaviour bother you. Praying for and choosing which fruit of the spirit (peace, patience, joy, kindness, gentleness, faithfulness, or self-control) you want to arm yourself with so that you can rise above and change the way you respond. You cannot always choose what happens to you, but you can always choose how you react. Knowing in advance and preparing yourself is a helpful practice, “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” Romans 12:18

For those of us who are grieving or lonely during this season, I know the first Christmas without your loved one is so very strange. It just is. You don’t have to deny this reality or suck it up because of the season, you can be real about it. “This year is hard because my mom isn’t here so I might need some moments to myself or if I cry it’s okay, it just means I miss her.” Being that straightforward actually helps everyone else too. You might even want to bring your loved one up in conversation saying things like “my brother used to love playing Santa for the younger kids” or “my dad had the craziest tradition at Christmas, I’d love to keep it going.” These might seem uncomfortable for others, but really, are not. It breaks the silence and gives permission to talk about the people who are no longer here with us.

Other stressful factors that we encounter during the holidays, according to the Harris Poll are: 58% financial concerns and 30% pressure to make the holidays special (whether that’s décor, finding and wrapping the right gifts, traditions, or simply having too much to do). Let’s address these two stressors. What are some ways we can manage well? First, like everything else that has to do with people, is to COMMUNICATE. I can’t stress enough how vital communication is, and not just talking, that isn’t what it means to communicate. The most successful sign of a healthy relationship with others and self, is to know what you want, why it’s important, and how you’d like it to be done. Being truthful and transparent, with kindness, is the best way to understand and connect! Take some time to really think about what type of Christmas experience you’d like to have, ask your people the same question, then listen to each other. Ask questions, explain why things are important to you using “I and me” statement, not pointing a finger in the other direction and telling people what you don’t appreciate from them, but really be clear on what you want, and why. Then, allow others to share their priorities. Because each of your needs are important, decide that you will come to some sort of agreement. Remember that most of what’s going to happen over the span of a month are not ongoing, it is a unique time of year. With finances, establish a budget, communicate it with those who will be impacted, and stick to it. If funds are not flowing this year, say so, and make suggestions for alternative ways to gifting: make them (painting, write a poem, make cookies, jam, knit/crochet, woodworking, photo book), choose one big group gift, do Secret Santa or White Elephant, volunteer at a local charity or decide to give a group donation, or do trip together. Make sure you are not overspending; this will alleviate financial tension.

With all the “other things” ensure that you block in time to take care of your basic needs (or self-care): eat nutritious foods, take your supplements/meds, keep up your therapies (counselor, RMT, chiro, PT, doctor’s appointments), and definitely engage in exercise whether it’s a 30 minute walk, a YouTube work out or going to the gym, also get proper rest (sleep, meditation, prayer, being still, journaling) don’t use the excuse of “too many things to do” to neglect yourself. You and your people will be better for it! “In peace I will both lie down and sleep; for you alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety.” Psalm 4:8

Wishing you a healthy, peaceful, and joy filled Christmas season!