“If I’m Being Honest…” — What We’re Really Saying When We Say That
As a Christian life and leadership coach with a deep curiosity about human behavior and communication, I often notice subtle patterns in how we relate to one another—not just in our professional lives, but in our faith communities, families, and friendships. If you’re like me, you often hear phrases like these:
“If I’m being honest…”
“No offense, but…”
“I don’t mean to be rude, but…”
“Please don’t take this the wrong way…”
These expressions usually come right before sharing a truth, a criticism, or a challenging opinion. But as followers of Christ, we are called to speak truth with both clarity and grace. So, it begs the question: why do we feel the need to use these prefaces in the first place?
The Heart Behind the Words
Phrases like these function as verbal padding or softeners. They often reflect:
Fear of conflict or rejection
Desire to preserve the relationship
Discomfort with expressing hard truths
A way to seek permission or create safety before being vulnerable
In many ways, they serve as social armor—meant to protect both the speaker and the listener. But Scripture calls us to a higher standard of communication:
"Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone." —Colossians 4:6
Seasoned with salt, not being salty. Grace and truth are not opposites. They are partners. Jesus modeled this perfectly, and we are invited to do the same.
When Softening Backfires
While these expressions may be intended to cushion the message, they can inadvertently:
Signal that something offensive or hurtful is coming
Suggest that honesty is unusual or conditional
Create defensiveness in the listener
Even with good intentions, these phrases can dilute the strength and sincerity of what we want to say and create rifts in relationships.
A Better Way to Speak Truth in Love
As Christian women navigating work, leadership, and life, we can be bold and gentle, honest and kind. Instead of hedging (beating around the bush) with familiar disclaimers, try:
“I want to speak truthfully, with care and love…”
“Here’s what I’m discerning, and I share it humbly…”
“In the spirit of unity and honesty, here’s my perspective…”
Scripture reminds us:
"Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ." —Ephesians 4:15
We grow by choosing words that build up and encourage, not just words that avoid conflict.
What to Say When Someone Else Says It
If someone says, “I don’t mean to be rude, but…” or “If I’m being honest…,” respond with grace:
“Thank you for trusting me with that.”
“I’m open to hearing more—go ahead.”
“I appreciate your honesty. Let’s talk through it.”
This kind of response fosters safety and invites meaningful, spirit-led dialogue.
Final Encouragement: Honest and Holy
You can be honest and holy. You can speak the truth and reflect the heart of Christ. In all your relationships—at work, at home, in ministry—you don’t have to choose between truth and love. You are called to bring both.
So, the next time you find yourself about to say, “If I’m being honest…,” pause and remember:
"The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit." —Proverbs 18:21
Speak life. Speak truth. Speak with grace. Let your words reflect who you belong to.
